Constructing self-confidence
Self-confidence, self-assurance and self-esteem are closely related and not easy to teach as a parent. All the above relate to the self and it is the parent’s guidance, actions and reactions which influence the child’s development.

By Frances Holman

All the above are about how much a person likes, respects and accepts themselves as a person. What you think about yourself determines how you feel, and your behaviour and actions reflect those feelings. We are often very quick to show the negative feelings such as anger and frustration but slow to show appreciation, gratitude and give praise. The overall happiness and success of children primarily depends on parents building their child’s self-confidence as having high self-esteem will have a great impact on a child’s success and independence as an adult.

Discipline with love
One factor is more important than any other in the development of self-confidence and that is unconditional love, but instilling self-discipline is also very important. This means that you have to be able to separate what your child does from who they are and be sure to tell them you always love them but do not always love what they do. We must be appreciative of our children now rather than for what they might become in the future.

Starting early
There are things that we can do in order to promote a good self-esteem in our children and listed below are some examples but I am sure you can think of many more:

I have frequently heard parents say it is much quicker to do the jobs themselves than persuade their young to do it but the message that is then given to the child is that you do not think they are able. When setting the table initially I used to set one place and then the youngster simply copies that for the rest of the places and they quickly learnt what to do. That way they do not run the risk of criticism from other members of the family that the cutlery is in the wrong place, just praise for how well they have done. Very small children can be encouraged to help tidy their toys so this can start from 18 months but we just need to make sure any task given is age appropriate.  

Inspiring incentive
Encouraging your youngster if they show an aptitude towards an activity, such as music, art, sport, drama, etc., and praising their achievements, even if they are not as good as you would like them to be, is a wonderful way to help them feel good about themselves. These feelings can then be carried into other areas in their lives where they feel less confident.
Offering a youngster large rewards for getting high grades in major exams can be very counter productive as, if they get good grades but just not quite good enough they will feel they have failed you, and this can lead to a loss of confidence. Also if an elder child does achieve to the proscribed level this then puts an intolerable pressure on younger siblings who may have very different abilities. Surely it is best to encourage each child to do their best and then to celebrate their achievements in whatever fields, with a favourite meal or trip out.

Be aware of the type of situations that make your child feel anxious. Talk to them about coping strategies beforehand and review how these strategies worked afterwards with your child. There are many ways of coping with the same situation and maybe the first method didn’t work and you need to find another. It is very important they do not feel alone or isolated because of their lack of confidence.
Many of us have low self-esteem and self-confidence as a result of our childhood experiences. It is important to take the time to deal with those issues, either in a group situation or with individual counselling, so that you can avoid history repeating itself. Also, think about the situations you were in as a child which left you feeling small, insignificant and worthless so that you can make a conscious effort to avoid placing your child in a similar position or, if that is not possible, some coping strategies to help deal with it.

I was given this poem about forty years ago when training to be a nanny. The first time I read it was reduced to tears as it just says everything about how we should care for our children and it also explained many of the issues I was struggling with from my own childhood. I hope you find it as helpful.


Children Learn What They Live
by Dorothy Law Neite 

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. 
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. 
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. 
If a child learns to feel shame, he learns to feel guilty. 
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. 
If a child lives with encouragement he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. 
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. 
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. 
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. 
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world.