Regular separation

With the increasingly difficult financial situation, many of us find ourselves having to think of ways, which may have been previously unacceptable, to make ends meet.

by Frances Holman

I am now working in the UK for brief but regular periods of time and I know several others who are doing the same in order to remain solvent. I am fortunate in that I do not have to juggle the needs of children as well as a home and marriage but for those of you who do, the decision to work away from home for regular periods of time is an even harder one to make.

Going away
There are many careers that automatically mean regular separation from the family, such as working in the forces, for an airline or on oil rigs, and it is not uncommon to see parents struggle with the constant disruption this can place within a family home. It is like having to live a split life.
For the parent going away there are concentrated periods of work where the day-to-day family issues are put on to the back burner as they feel remote from what is happening.

For the parent remaining at home there is the adjustment to effectively being a “single parent” until your partner returns. All the day-to-day decisions and running around after the children fall on your shoulders which can be, or feel, tough particularly if you are used to sharing these demanding areas of family life.  

Preparing the kids
If children have grown up knowing one parent has regular trips away then this becomes an accepted part of their life, as they can not remember it being any different. This does not mean that the absence of the missing parent is not keenly felt - just that they will have no real idea of what it is like to have had two parents there continuously. However, if they are old enough to be aware that this is something new to family life, and not what you ideally want, then there needs to be careful discussion with them to explain why this has to happen. Most children have a friend whose parents have separated permanently and the fear of you doing the same needs to be allayed.

It will be there even if they do not mention it. Reassurance that the absent parent is coming home, maybe showing or giving them a copy of the return air ticket, highlighting the return date on the calendar and planning and preparing a special meal for their return will help give the child some reassurance that it is going to happen.

Preparing the parents
Once the parent working away has left there is a period of readjustment for the remaining parent and children when children are likely to resort to deliberate defiance and disruption hoping that this will bring the absent parent back. Hard though it is, never store up a child’s misdemeanours for the absent parent to deal with on their return as there is too great a time lag between “crime and punishment” and this will disrupt the relationship between everyone involved. Wherever possible do not succumb to the temptation to give in to your child’s demands as you are then giving them the control.

One child I know made constant, and ever increasing, demands for presents while Dad was away and this only served to negate the benefits of the extra money earned and cause huge problems on Dad’s return when the “gifts” stopped.

Normal routines should be maintained as much as possible whether the parent working away is there or not as the constancy of this helps to give security to the child in an otherwise changing world. So, the morning routine of getting up and off to school should remain the same as ever, as should the return home and doing homework. If these routines are broken then it is extremely hard for the parent left behind to re-establish them each time they have to cope on their own.

Keeping in touch
The advent of modern technology has meant that it is much easier for people to stay in touch wherever in the world they are. Voice over IP (VOIP) and e-mail can provide very good ways of parents remaining in touch with their families when away from them, as can text messaging, though this does have greater cost implications.

Daily contact is not necessary as this can prove too restricting for both parents but twice a week will allow the child to know they have not been forgotten and for enough to have happened for them to talk about. If you do opt for contact every day then for some unforeseen reason you do not make contact them this can set up a panic reaction that the absent parent is hurt or have forgotten them which will have longer term repercussions for all.

For the parent who is leaving, allowing younger children to help you pack, (a totally boring idea for most older ones), allowing them to choose which photo of them you take and you giving them one of you (preferably with them in it) to keep means they are part of the leaving process and so will feel involved in it. They will at some point tell you that they do not want you to go and there is no harm in letting them know you do not want to go either but that at the moment there is no alternative.

Children pick up on parents’ anxieties long before parents realise it and the lack of money creates huge anxiety in any household. If they can see that the levels of tension have been reduced as bills can be paid without the heightened stress levels, and possibly arguments, then they are likely to accept the reality of one parent being absent for periods of time.
This will not mean they like it any better but they can see the advantages; it is similar to taking foul tasting medicine….you know it is doing you good but you still don’t like it.