Question:- My husband and I are of the opinion that the family sitting room is the right place for the TV and have always avoided TVs in bedrooms but  in recent months our sons aged 11 and 14 have fought so much about the choice of programme we wonder whether it makes better sense to allow them a set each in their rooms. Should we give in?

Answer:-  I have never been in favour of children having a television in their room for a number of reasons.

• A  It is much harder to check on what they are watching and on the suitability of their chosen programme. If you say no to a programme are you then going to stay in the room to ensure they don’t watch it? If they are watching the family TV in the sitting room it is easier to police and they are less likely to try to watch programmes they know you will object to.
• B  At night there would be little control over how late they watch TV if they are shut in their bedrooms whereas if they are with you then you are aware of when they go to bed.
• C  If youngsters are encouraged to be isolated away from the family group then, I feel, the sense of belonging to a family can start to disappear as it is one less thing you do together.

Whilst I appreciate that to be constantly refereeing is extremely wearing there are ways round this predicament. Both boys are of an age where they should be learning how to negotiate for what they want and to compromise and this can be a good place to start. I am sure they have homework and with the use of recording facilities one could be watching while the other is working and having their programmes recorded for them to watch later.

I know some families have two TV’s downstairs, the second one in the kitchen say, and this is another way to resolve the situation and increase the family viewing options.
 

Question:- I am new to the Algarve- where can I go to meet other Mums with small children?

Answer:- There are a number of Mums and Toddlers groups around the region that are an invaluable source of friendship both for the parent and child. Take a look at our summary of groups shown under the “Children” section of the site. Marina Hardy in Portimão has been running her Wednesday group for at least eight years now, I know that because I brought my first daughter there as a newcomer to the Algarve and was made to feel so welcome.

The Mums have also organised a number of evening social events with meals out and an annual Christmas bash in recent years. For those on the Western Algarve Lagos has a superb group also well established every Tuesday run by Ruth Little amongst others. The cost of the meetings was a euro last time I went which goes towards the coffee and biscuit fund. Toys are provided and Portimao has a magazine pile that you can dip into and take home on a loan basis.
 

Question:- Where can I find nappy sacks and a safety guard rail for my 2 year old’s bed?

Answer:- Continente has the bed rails and they seem to be one of the more cost effective supermarkets for baby items. If you are near Faro try Jumbo as well as they have more baby stuff than most and for pregnant ladies they do maternity clothing. C and A also has maternity clothes and can be found both in Faro and Portimão.

Nappy sacks are harder to find and unless the price comes down it is well worth asking friends or family to post or bring out the very inexpensive light weight ones available from places like Tesco or Boots in the UK. Let the Magic in, the English supermarket in Algoz, a few minutes drive from Algarve shopping, will import food and other items from the UK. Speak to Diane there and she will place an order for you and they do stock some baby products already.

Question:- My 3 year old has just started infant school and he cries every time we leave him. All the other children seem to be settled in. What can I do to make it easier for him?

Answer:- Many children find the first separation for parents to a strange environment difficult and this puts a real strain on you as well as the child. Children will pick up on any feeling you have about him going to school so you must be very careful always to give him calm reassuring messages about going to school. Many children have the fear that you will not come back for them at the end of the day so one way to reassure them that you will is to give them something small that they know is important to you but that you will not be upset if they happen to lose it.

Parents have used a scarf, and old key (one the child will know is important but that you do not use anymore), an old purse or any small item they will feel is important to you. If you give it to them for the first few days then see if they ask for it the next time. You will soon find they no longer need it as they know you will come for them and the strangeness of the school will have warn off.

Question:- My daughter keeps waking up complaining of bad dreams and recently woke up and told me she didn’t want to die, which was very upsetting for me, she is only 5 what can I do?

Answer:- Bad dreams are always distressing for the parent to deal with and are a part of a child growing up. They have very vivid imaginations and it is not unusual for this to be manifested in their dreams, this is particularly so when they are around three years old. Be very reassuring and calm when comforting them, leave a light on if necessary so they can go back to sleep. Do not get into the habit of letting them into your bed, or you getting into theirs as this can cause more problems later on.  

There are other reasons why nightmares occur and as your daughter is saying she wants to die I would ask some serious questions of her school and who she has as friends. Bullying can start at a very early stage and can be very damaging if not dealt with. If the problem continues and having looked at all the obvious possible causes then I would seek professional help.

At the risk of sounding alarmist these nightmares can be caused by abuse and your daughter may not feel she can tell you what is happening to her for fear of what the abuser will do if she does. Your doctor should be able to help you with this situation and I could deal with this as a separate issue if required.

Question:-  We have got into the awful habit of letting our 20 month old sleep in our bed following a bout of sickness, now he is perfectly well but refuses to sleep in his own bed. Any advice to get him back in his own room?

Answer:- This is a situation which requires you to be very firm and not give in to his screams. You need to make it quite clear to him that his bedroom is where he sleeps and your bedroom is where you sleep. If you put him in his bed/cot and he tries to get out them simply lay him down and make it quite clear that he is to stay there. You may have to leave the room and let him cry himself to sleep in order for him to get the message.

If he really won’t settle then you may have to sit where he can see you, perhaps reading a book/magazine and ignoring him. When all else fails some mild sedative such as Calpol might help. It may well take several nights before he will settle happily into bed without fuss but a consistent routine and firm handling will win out in the end.

Question:-  My 11 year old daughter has always been pretty easy going but has recently become very moody and seems to prefer to be alone rather  than with the rest of the family. Is this just a phase or could there be something more concerning going on?

Answer:- You are right to be worried about what might be going on and it is worth trying to eliminate the obvious issues before looking for the more sinister. At 11yr she may be starting puberty and feeling very confused by the changes happening to her body, not to mention that the hormones may be kicking in and she will not be able to understand the effects this will have on her moods. If, through talking to her, you become convinced that this is not the reason look into bullying and if that draws a blank then you may have to look at whether there is any chance she might be being abused.

Question:- How much pocket money is reasonable for my 8 and 11 year old girls and should I keep them the same or differentiate according to age? Until now I have not given them anything and have bought treats as and when I felt it appropriate.

Answer:- Pocket money is an issue dealt with in a previous article (see …..)    There are no hard and fast rules as much depends on the family finances but it is a good idea for children to be given some as they can then start to learn about saving for the things they want and that once money is spent it has gone until they have saved some more.

Question:- My 8 year old son finds his homework overwhelming at the end  of a full school day and it is a battle to persuade him to do it. He is a   bright kid and doing well at school but it seems the norm here in Portugal   to give out lots of after school work. Any views?

Answer:- Sadly homework is a fact of life for youngsters and they seem to be given it at a much earlier stage now than when I was at school. Many schools have somewhere children go where they do their homework before they go home and this may help him if he realises that his friends are there with him doing the same thing. This also means that when he gets home the work is done and you do not have to nag him. Failing this then I would suggest that you develop a routine which starts with a drink and time to unwind and tell you about his day in school.

Then, perhaps while you are preparing tea or catching up with the ironing he does his homework. This way then by tea time you can all relax knowing that after tea there is time to relax and have fun. One thing he has to grasp is that homework is a fact of his life for the next ten years and the quicker he gets into the habit of just sitting down and doing it the better it will be for all.

Question:- My 12 year old daughter is crazy, obsessive even, about sticking to routines and hates change. Before she goes out she checks her bag 5 or more times to make sure everything she needs is in there and her room is so organised she could show it in a magazine. She refuses to wear clothes with even a spec of dirt on them and will change three times a day if she can. What can I do to help her relax a little and cope better with unforeseen situations?

Answer:- This is a really difficult situation requiring a considerable amount of understanding and    patience from both family and friends. There are certain questions you need to try to answer:

• A  Has she always been like this?
• B  If not when did it begin, was it suddenly or gradually? If suddenly can you identify the trigger event?
• C  Is she more anxious about school or social occasions or the same for everything?
• You need to be very reassuring towards her and allow her to make the checks she needs to, leave extra time in the mornings for this to happen.

If things are as difficult as they appear then I would suggest that you seek medical advice as she may be suffering from an Obsessive Compulsive type disorder which will require more help than we can offer. Much can be done to assist with this type of problem and the earlier professional help is sought the easier it is for everyone.

Question:- We are planning a long flight at Christmas to visit relatives in New Zealand with a 4 and 9 year old – any suggestions to make the experience an enjoyable one and keep them occupied?

Answer:- Preparation is the key to a successful flight and plenty of talk to your youngsters about what to expect during the journey. The hanging around at the airport is a good time to tire them out a bit as they will have to sit quietly on the plane. Visiting the shops and looking at everything there is to see can take sometime at the bigger airports so will not only tire them out but help the time pass more quickly. A trip to the loo before boarding is also a good idea.

Get them to assist in organising and packing their own hand luggage with the things that will keep them occupied on the plane. Paper, pencils/crayons, playing cards and books are always useful as well as their favourite soft toy. For the sake of yourselves and the other passenger please try to avoid toys that make a noise as this will get extremely tiresome after several hours.

Most long haul flights have a period when the cabin lights are dimmed so people can sleep and it is beneficial to all if children know this is going to happen and are encouraged to sleep for a while. If sleep eludes them then there is often a suitable film for them to watch so they do not disturb others.

Your experiences on the outward journey will help you be better prepared for the return one. Good luck and have a good holiday!!

Question:- I have been away for several months oversees (to supplement family finances) and have come back to find my 9 year son playing   computer games and watching TV virtually all his waking hours at the weekend and   as soon as he gets home after school. I don’t want to  appear to be the bad guy or upset my hard working wife but can see it isn’t good for him, how can I wean him off without causing resentment.

Answer:- I can really sympathise with the problems of returning home to find things not quite how you would like as I work abroad frequently. For the sake of your wife bite your tongue and resist making any comment that may interpret as criticism about how she coped while you were away. It has been a stressful period for all of you and each has their own way of dealing with that stress.  Your return home will automatically bring changes into the home and your son will have to accept that some of those changes will have to be made by him. If he has his own computer then it is more difficult to limit the use but if it is a family one then he will need to understand that others need access to it.

I have known families draw up a rota for using the computer which incorporates sometime when it is turned off. If possible try to find things that you can do together to make up for the time you have lost. Encourage him to do things with his friends such as football, cycling and the like and use the computer and TV as wet weather occupations. You can agree with him which programmes he really wants to watch, record them if necessary, and limit the use of the computer to an hour a day. The art is to make the alternative occupations a bonus then you will appear to be the good guy not the baddie.

Question:- My son is 10 and has just started high school. He seems to be having a real problem making new friends and he has told us that he is upset that none of his class mates seem to want to visit our home at weekends so much so that he wants to change schools. Can you give us any advice?

Answer:- The transition from being a big fish in a little pond to a little fish in a big pond is frequently a difficult one to make particularly if your friends have not made the same move. Your son will, perhaps, have to try to join established friendship groups and that is hard for adults, let alone children. Did he have similar problems in his previous school and where did his previous friends go on to if they are not now at his school?

If they are not at the same school then there must have been a good reason why and this needs to be explained to him and then encourage him to talk about why he thinks he is being shunned. It may be better to suggest a trip to the cinema or MacDonald’s as an ice breaker rather than trying to get his friends to visit your home. A discreet chat with the teachers may also throw up a reason why other children are behaving like this towards him. It is important to do this before considering a move of school as he may be a part of the problem and changing schools will not be the answer.

Question:- My daughter is coming up to 18 and wants to take next year as   a gap year before starting University. She wants to travel the world and use some money left by her grandmother for her when she reaches 18. I am concerned on two accounts, her personal safety travelling with just one other female companion and whether she will find it hard to pick up where she left off in her studies.

Answer:- I can understand your concerns but your daughter is not alone in having a gap year. If she is determined then to dissuade her may well result in her going to university reluctantly and not making the most of her time there as well as possibly resenting you for stopping her travel. Nowadays many universities place a high value on youngsters who have had different experiences and seen a bit of the world as they frequently bring a sense of maturity and wider knowledge to their studies when they return.

Safety is always an issue in these circumstances and a few general ground rules that are not viewed as limiting or restrictive can help to ease your concerns. If your daughter leaves a rough plan of where they want to go and an approximate timescale with you this will help. In most countries now there are internet cafes available and it is good to encourage her to use these whenever they can to let you know they are OK. Skype is also good as this may mean you can talk to each other occasionally without breaking the bank. Daily contact should not be expected but every seven to ten days would be reasonable. It is a good idea to meet the parents of her friend and to have some contact with them while your respective daughters are away, don’t forget you are both in the same boat and therefore can offer each other moral support.

The safety issue really boils down to your daughter, and her friend, having common sense and an ability to respect the customs of the countries they visit. Sadly we tend to only hear about the trips that go wrong not the large number where youngsters have an amazing time and return home greatly enriched by their experiences. It is wise to give them a list of the British Consulates for the countries they are visiting so that should they need assistance they know who to contact. Also they need to be sure they have had all the necessary injections before they set out and a goodly supply of malaria tablets if they are going to countries that require them.

Question:- My son has problems with body odour in spite of spending a fortune on masculine body spray, showering daily and always wearing clean clothes. It is very embarrassing for him what else can he try?

Answer:- It may be as simple as changing from the heavily marketed manly spray on deodorants to another brand. There are some roll on types specifically designed to work harder on body odour and it is worth getting him to try one. If your son has tried all that is readily available to him and I would suggest that he discusses his situation with your doctor.

Question:- My 15 year old has announced she is a vegan and wants to change her diet and to wear shoes that aren’t made of leather. I don’t want to buy special food on our already stretched budget and want to keep our family meals the same for all of us. Should I make her something individual or stick to my normal meals?

Answer:- I think I would find as much information as I could about eating a balanced diet as a vegan and discuss this with her then; if she is still keen, suggest that any food she wants that is not normally in the house she buys with her pocket money. If she wishes her food to be prepared separately, to avoid “contamination”, then she should do so herself and be ready to eat at the same time as the rest of the family. Many teenagers go through food fads and this may well be one, only time will tell.

The problem is that if you fight it she will become more entrenched so make it appear that you are prepared to allow her to become a vegan as long as she does so responsibly.

You may find that she will weaken when she sees what were her favourite meals being prepared and enjoyed by the rest of the family. It is also worth pointing out that when she visits friends and family they will probably not be prepared to do special meals for her, and friends will soon tire of her being different and may well be wary of inviting her to join them when they go out.

Question:- My 10 year old son still wets the bed, it has been an ongoing problem since childhood and is getting him (and me) down, what can we  do?

Answer:- I am sure by now you have tried everything you can think of, like lifting him before you go to bed, not giving him a drink after tea is finished. If his wetting is not related to particular events such as only on certain nights when he might be anxious about a particular lesson the next day then I really think that you need to seek medical advice.

In the UK you can get mats to put on the bed that sound an alarm as soon as he starts to wet so that he wakes and then can go to the loo. There may also be a medical reason why he doing this that can be easily dealt with by your doctor. The one thing you should avoid is becoming annoyed with him for doing it as this will only exacerbate the situation.

Question:- My 13 year old daughter wants to go away with her best friend’s family for Christmas and they want to take her on a skiing trip. She wants to go but I would prefer to keep the family together as much for her sister’s sake as ours. Should we let her go or say no and risk a major uproar?

Answer:- Although this is a wonderful invitation for your daughter I do think this is one of those occasions when you have to make the decision. I think a discussion with her friends’ parents would also be advisable as, I feel, it is very insensitive of them to have offered this invitation without first seeking your approval.

Question:- My young son (5) has been caught stealing from other children  by his teacher. I have returned several toys but he keeps doing it. We have spoken to him but this hasn’t sorted it out. Should I be stricter with him before it becomes a bigger issue or let it go hoping he will grow out of it?

Answer:- This is clearly a problem that needs nipping in the bud but there needs to be some time spent trying to find out why he is doing it rather than just telling him off. At five he is unlikely to be able to just tell you so try and find, or make up, stories that talk about taking things that are not yours and then talk to him about how he would feel if someone did it to him.

Question:- My daughter has recurrent head lice any suggestions short of cutting all her hair off?

Answer:- I recommend using a few drops of tea tree oil (you can buy it in health shops or the Body Shop in Algarve shopping) in a regular hair conditioner after shampooing and rinsing. Comb the conditioner through the hair taking care not to let any go into her eyes as the tea tree oil will sting. The oil should kill any parasites and will prevent more eggs being laid and the conditioner is a slippery surface that is very difficult for eggs to stick to. The great news is that the tea tree oil is natural so shouldn’t harm the hair like some chemical solutions. Leave the mixture in the hair to dry. Make this a weekly routine and your head lice days should be over!

Question:- My son has had high prescription glasses most of his life and hates them. He loves football but finds them a nuisance especially in the rain. The optician seems reluctant to prescribe contact lenses, any views?

Answer:- I can sympathise with him as I enjoyed sport at school and wore glasses. There are opticians who will prescribe lenses for children at young ages and base their recommendation on whether the child is sufficiently hygiene conscious to cope with the daily chore of cleaning lenses. If contact lenses are not possible then there is no easy answer to this problem and I fear he will have to just grin and bear it. I would hope that he does not have to play too often in the rain but if it is a problem that they get steamed up then most opticians sell some spray that can be used to keep them clear. This is also very effective in swimming pools, the bathroom and the kitchen when cooking.

Question:- My daughter is 15 and is in to all things black, including disturbing music with lyrics that talk about death and other awful stuff. She sits for hours in her room and is pretty miserable most of the time. Should I leave her to do her own thing in her room or intervene?

Answer:- It is not unusual for teenagers to go through phases such as this and the fact that you are aware and concerned about it is good. I would encourage her to spend some time each day with you, and other family members, so that you have the opportunity to try to find out if there is anything bothering her. If she is part of a group of youngsters that are doing this then I feel it is less worrying that if she is always on her own. If, like me, you do not understand the fashion or music then see if she would explain them to you and say why she gets so much out of it. This will help you to understand where she is at and also help to keep the lines of communication open between you.

Question:- We have two boys with an age gap of seven years. They are completely inseparable and play together all the time. Could the older boy  be missing out on his social development if he doesn’t have friends of his own age?

Answer:- It is great that your sons get on so well together but they do also need to learn to have fun with their own peers. Seven years is a big age gap and not to spend time within their own age group could prove to be very difficult socially for both of them when the older one has to leave home to go to college or out to work.

I think you need to look at why the older one is so happy to spend so much time with someone so much younger than himself rather than with people his own age. What happens at school and how well does he cope with break times when he, I imagine, has to socialise with his class mates? If there appears to be a problem it might be worth talking to his teacher to find out how he interacts with his peers in a class room setting.

Question:- Due to financial pressures we are having to sell our lovely villa with large garden and pool and are moving into a modest apartment. Our daughters are going to have to share a room and I am worried they will  have problems bringing their friends round to the new place. What can I     do to ease the situation?

Answer:- I think that you will find that your children may well find it easier to make the necessary adjustments than you. Some of your anxiety is, if feel sure, about how you will be able to cope with less space to entertain them in and how will you answer their friends questions about why you have moved. Children pick up on their parent’s feelings and so if they suspect that you are finding it hard to make the adjustment to living in a smaller place then they are more likely to.

Sharing a room is not likely to be too much of a problem if they have definite areas within the room that are for their things and many youngsters enjoy sharing as they have the opportunity to talk over issues once they have gone to bed without adult interference. I am sure that if you explain in simple terms why you have had to move and talk to them about how you are all going to have to make adjustments you will find that some of their friends are going through the same thing.

Question:- We are thinking of taking our children out of an international school and sending them to a local Portuguese school instead, they can  both speak the language well but of course will need to adjust. What do   you and other readers think?

Answer:- This is a decision which must take into account your current and future finances and   international schools get more expensive as children get older. Also consider where you would like your youngster to attend university.

If the Portuguese school gives the appropriate qualifications to enter university in the country of their choice then I feel that to have a Portuguese education is probably a good thing if they want to live and work here in the future. They will have a far better grasp of the language and culture that could ever be acquired at an international school. Any major change in their education is best talked through with your child but at the end of the day it has to be your decision. The younger the child the easier the transition.

Question:- My son has missed over six months of schooling due to a major health problem and we are delighted that he is now well again. What can  we do to ease him back into school?

Answer:- You need to discuss this with his teacher as the school must have met this situation before and know how best to organise things. Maybe starting for half days and then doing other school work at home for the first week or so would be an option.

Question:- My six year old has to have an operation and is expected to be  in hospital for two weeks. What advice do you have to prepare him for this?

Answer:- You need to make sure he is aware, in simple terms, what is going to happen. Explain that you may not be able to be with him all the time and make sure his has his favourite soft toy with him. He needs to understand that sometimes things may hurt but that in the end he will be better. There are books available that can be used to explain the process in an age appropriate way. You need to be careful not to spoil him during this period as he may well expect this to continue once he is well again, many children do. Give him the odd treat but not over the top as you will simply make problems for yourself later on.

Question:-  My 3 year old daughter is in the infants and seems to have been labelled by the teacher as a problem child. I agree she is highly active, can’t sit still and has a low attention span but know Î was just the same at her age. Should I take her out of school for now or is it better she stays?

Answer:- In this situation I would probably take her out of school for six months or so as once labels have been applied to a child it can be hard to get them removed. In the time you have her at home you can do things with her to help increase her concentration by doing jigsaws etc with her. Try to get to understand that there are times when it is fine to run around and times when you have to sit and do what everyone else is doing.
 

Question:- With all the attention on swine flu and the recent outbreak in  the UK of e-coli should I sign a consent form to allow my 4 year old to go  to a local zoo with the school?

Answer:- I am a firm believer in taking appropriate precautions, like hand washing etc, but allowing life to continue as normal. If we were afraid of coming into contact with any potential life threatening situation we would not get out of bed in the morning.

Question:- My son loves dogs and has no fear in spite of us warning him that they can bite. How can I keep him safe with all the local dogs that roam free in the streets?

Answer:- This is a difficult one as you do not want your son to become fearful of dogs just more aware. May be telling him that he must ask the owner if it is OK to stroke a dog before doing so would help; if no owner is around (as in the case of stray dogs) then he does not stroke them. You could try stopping sweets, or another treat, if he does stroke a stray dog but at the end of the day he may have to be bitten before he learns the lesson.

Question:- My 15 year old daughter is spending all her pocket money on mobile phone calls. We switched to a monthly bill as it worked out cheaper but the bills are even higher as she never runs out of credit. She has even dipped into her savings account to pay the bill. How can I convince her not to waste money on all these calls while at the same time encouraging independence?

Answer:- I have written an article on pocket money and allowances which I would refer you to. I would put your daughter back on a pay as you go plan and be sure you do not give her money when she has run out of credit and cash to top it up. This is a hard lesson for her to learn but the sooner she is aware that what she spends on her mobile she does not have to spend on clothes, trips to the cinema etc the better. If you have broadband then she could learn to skype her friends which is free.

Question:- My 17 year old son is lead guitar in a local band but is causing havoc with our neighbours because of the noise. We want to encourage his talents but also want to keep on good terms with our neighbours! Any suggestions?

Answer:- Having consulted with my husband, who is a professional musician, I am assured that you can get headphones so that no-one is disturbed by the noise. This would be ideal for when he is practising but I understand that the sound is not as distorted as when played without headphones so he may not be happy to do this. It is a question of him learning to be socially responsible and not upsetting the neighbours whilst learning to get his fingering correct and then finding somewhere where he and his friends can play together that does not cause disruption to others.

Question:- My teenager grinds her teeth at night and sometimes gets headaches. Is this harmful long term and if so what can we do to prevent  it?

Answer:- I am someone who used to grind my teeth and yes it does cause long term damage so I would suggest that you look at various issues. Apparently people grind their teeth when they are stressed and are for the most part unaware they are doing it as it happens in their sleep. So firstly I would try to find out what was causing your daughter to be stressed and work to resolving those issues. You will probably find the headaches stop when the stress is diminished. Your dentist should be able to provide a gum shield which can be worn at night and will prevent the wearer from being able to grind their teeth. I wore one for some time and it is quite painless and seemed to work for me.